What does a “good death” mean?  Now that I’m midway through my “Dying, Loss, and Grief” class I can tell you exactly what it means.  I can give you the research, complete with tables and charts.  I can give you the psychology to manage the family, and the theory to explain their possible grief processes.  But I don’t know if any of that means anything when one of your own patients dies.

 One of the patients I’ve been taking care of a lot in the past month passed away this morning.  I took care of him almost every day I worked.  I came to know the family and the people who mattered to them.  I came to care for him and this very special family.   I spent several nights crying about his mother’s broken heart, and struggled with the ethics of the decisions made by the family and the medical team.  And, in the midst of that, I learned what the most important part of nursing really is…being there, listening, and caring.

 It’s interesting that when a dying person stops anticipating death, it comes quietly in the night.  I know he had a good death.  Even without the research, I know it.  And I feel very fortunate that I was able be there and to learn from him and the family during this very sacred part of their lives.

 It’s moments like this that I know this is exactly what I’m meant to do.  Please keep them in your prayers.

Even though I'm thankful for my experiences, it doesn't come without a price.  It still does weigh heavy on my heart...and this on top of the INSANE week of clinicals, 3 classes, work, neverending work on my master's project, and one giant meltdown...I feel absolutely spent.  I miss those days when I could just hide away somewhere and have someone take care of me...and feel safe and forget about all the pressures of life.  Sigh...I hate being a grown up.